DR. JOE RUBINO: All too often, we live our lives in a state of isolation, keeping others out in an effort to protect ourselves from losing our identity and a sense of control. Although we crave intimacy, connectedness and the love of others, we disconnect if the threat of becoming overwhelmed by it becomes too real and frightening.

An example of how we might disconnect is to create an argument if the threat of intimacy becomes too real. We fight, grow apart then need love and acceptance so we make up and get back together again - for a while.

Smoking a cigarette after sex is another way to disconnect. Becoming too busy to pay attention to the other person causes a disconnect. Worrying, becoming upset, actually leaving the room, making the other person wrong, keeping lots of other people around, or listening to your own thoughts rather than to what the other person is saying are all ways to disconnect. There are countless others as well.

It is all too easy to opt for control over others, being right about something and getting our way rather than to find a way to enhance our relationships.

The means to connecting with others is to take our focus off of our own wants and needs long enough to explore the possibilities for mutuality with all involved. If we train ourselves to work on establishing a mutual connection or means for relating, the result will be a coming together or synergy of purpose.

The best way to create this mutuality with others is to take on developing an appreciation for what it's like in the other person's world. As you listen for the other person's needs, wants, concerns, and commitments, it is easier to develop the bond that comes from walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

Exercise for Establishing Relatedness

1) In every conversation you have with another person, develop an appreciation for what it's actually like to be that person. How does this influence the relationship?

2) Practice listening for other people's concerns and commitments.

3) How does knowing their concerns affect your actions?

4) How does knowing their commitments give you a better appreciation for who they are and why they do what they do?

5) Listen for mutuality. What do you have in common that could lead to furthering your relationship? How does the other person's differences contribute something to you?

6) In what ways do you disconnect from others? Record in your journal each time you do so.

By actually listening for commonality as well as for how all parties might contribute something of value to each other, the possibilities for enhanced relationships by truly connecting with others will evolve.